I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.