i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
