She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl