No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
