Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning