Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.