Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.