there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out