How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My liver just broke up with me...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I checked into jail on foursquare
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You can't special order awesome
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.