I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's blow job season.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."