There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
