You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
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As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.