My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
and she was petting her beer can
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Say something about gay babies.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He kissed a someone with a penis
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Quick, to the slutcave!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?