I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Banned from zoo.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.