do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".