So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I told you penises don't tan
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...