i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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