Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.