you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?