searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
no you cant smoke seaweed
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?