I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
what if I'm pregnant?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...