I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?