My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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