Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.