I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
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So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.