Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
