Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
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i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wat do u mean how?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.