your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was