Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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