Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.