My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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