Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Please, let me fuck your mom
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
At least make sure they are 18
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.