i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
