He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
this will be a night to untag.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"