He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.