Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward