I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's official drugs can't kill me
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
