I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.