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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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