SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he puts the penis in happiness.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.