Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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