Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
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So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.