you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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