I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think my vagina is haunted
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
either way he was missing a nipple.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall