Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
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The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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