some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole