And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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