pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.