What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"