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well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My balls are so social today.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
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